DEFENSIVE OMNIVORE BINGO
"If God didn't want us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?"
I don't know if you noticed, but you are also made out of meat. Anyway, you have it backwards, you're not supposed to eat meat because it's made out of animals.
Begins to wax sentimental over some variety of meat they could never give up.
I've heard some people say the same thing about cigarettes and alcohol.
Asks where you get your protein.
Where do you get your riboflavin?
Brings up PETA.
PETA is to animal rights what the National Socialist Party in Germany was to socialism. (GLF)
"I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to eat plants."
Leaving aside the fact that the "top of the food chain" is an antiquated concept, what does that have to do with ethics?
Explains how they tried vegetarianism once and it didn't work out.
Argues that humans are different from other animals, and therefore eating them is morally justified.
Different in what way? Which arbitrary characteristic are you using? "All forms of discrimination have their particular characteristics, but they share in common the commidification of the sentient other, and in that sense they are all the same." -- Gary Francione (VeganFreak Radio #58)
Argues that humans are no different from other animals, and therefore eating them... Lions eat zebras, right?
No different from animals? When did you last shit on the ground? When did you last kill someone to gain a mate?
Asks what would happen to the cows if we didn't eat them. Feigns concern.
Expresses concern for plant suffering.
Try sticking a knife into a head of cabbage. Now stick a knife into your dog. Which kind of suffering concerns you more?
Preaches to you about how preachy vegans are.
Wonders how we'd grow enough food to feed us all if everyone went vegan overnight.
Asks why you care more about animals than human beings.
Describes some extremely unlikely hypothetical scenario in which you'd be forced to eat meat to survive.
"Now if I were starving to death, would I kill an animal? I probably would. Then again, if I were starving to death, I might kill you. But we don't want to build a moral system on how I or anyone else would behave in an emergency." -- Gary Francione.
Points out that some object you own contains some infinitesimal amount of animal product.
OMG! You're right! Your brilliant analysis has shattered the entire basis for my world-view! I may as well give up and eat a cheeseburger.
End of sarcasm. It is impossible to be 100% pure (especially in a world that is so steeped in discrimination and exploitation of all sorts), there may be a harm to any choice you make. But to leap from there to "why bother" is crazy.
"Do you eat fish?"
I really worry about people who can't tell the difference between plants and animals.
Tells you about the vegan somewhere who once did something wrong. Concludes that all vegans are hypocrites.
Mentions canine teeth.
I'd like to see you take down a gazelle with those things.
"Vegetarian: Indian word for 'bad hunter.'"
Describes the happy farm animal they once saw somewhere.
Expresses a completely unrelated concern for starving children somewhere.
Something irrelevant about cavemen.
Wonders why you don't make better use of all that time you waste not eating animals.
Describes a vegan they knew once who suffered from some random ailment. Concludes it was caused by lack of meat.
"If you get pregnant you'll start eating meat and dairy again, right?"
Waves their 'food' in front of you, as though you secretly want it.
"We're mammals so we are supposed to drink milk."
Does your mother still breast-feed you?
"Vitamin B12 only comes from animals."
"A little steak once in a while won't hurt you!"
This is possibly true. But it kills the cow.
Talks about how he/she doesn't really eat that much meat.
"Plants are what food eats!"
Laments that they would be vegan except for [insert imaginary barrier, such as a husband, mom, or remote location].
Talks about being vegan for many years, but is now on the Atkins diet.
Brings up some blood-type bullshit.
"At least hunters, like me, kill our own animals."
There is, indeed, something ethically confused with people who like to eat meat, but would never butcher an animal. No argument there. However, when a mobster hires a hit-man, both have committed an immoral act.
"What would all the cattle ranchers, pig farmers, egg hatcheries, and dairy farmers do? Their families will starve to death if you take away their income."
I wonder what the icemen, hired horse-and-buggy drivers, and slaveowners did when those businesses became relics of the past?
"Hitler was a vegetarian."
Even if this were true (which is doubtful), it proves nothing, other than Godwin's Law. Stalin was a meat-eater and killed more people than Hitler, so what does that say about meat-eaters?
Mutters something about "rabbit food."
Calls you "elitist."
Threatens to eat two animals for every one you save. Then calls you an asshole.
Today I didn't eat an entire cow, you better get busy.
Insists that veganism is a type of eating disorder.
Says animals are treated better than humans. Refers to rich aunt's Pekingese.
Wonders what you expect Bushmen/Eskimos/etc. to do.
While I don't like any sort of killing, those who do it out of necessity are very different from those who have no such necessity but still enjoy the products of tortured and murdered animals just because they like the taste. In other words, there is a world of difference between an Inuit killing and eating a bear and an American picking up a plastic wrapped steak at the grocery store.
Furthermore, the number of deaths caused by hunter-gatherer societies is insignificant compared to that which we cause, therefore isn't of a lot of concern to me.
Changes the subject to abortion.
Claims to only eat organic, free-range meat.
You had best find out about the humane myth and the free-range myth.
Claims to give thanks for the animal's sacrifice before every meal, just like Native Americans.
I'm sure that makes the animal feel better about their forced sacrifice.
Expresses shock that you would deprive cows of milking, lest their udders explode!
There is a grain of truth in this: a nursing mother experience some pain of they do not nurse their child for a while. So this isn't a problem unless the mother was forcibly impregnated and had her child stolen from her. If you really think the farmer is going to stop milking certain cows because a few people become vegan, you don't understand supply and demand.
Insists that vegans cause more deaths than omnis. Repeats the word "collateral" ad nauseam.
"A vegan? Is that like a gay vegetarian?"
Proudly describes his vegan diet, except for the occasional fish, and cheese, and...
That's like saying you're a Christian because you only worship Satan once in a while.
(thanks to Everly on the Abolitionst Approach Forums for this)
"We protect farm animals from starvation/disease/predation. They owe us."
"You city slickers are all the same. Have you ever visited a farm?"
Visited? I grew up on a beef farm. So there!
Mysteriously develops a soy allergy.
Describes veganism as a religion or cult.
Uses every part of the animal "just like the natives." May also be 1/9th Chickasaw.
PETA -- People Eating Tasty Animals.
Approvingly quotes Carol Adams while scarfing down a BLT.
Brings up rare ailments which may make veganism difficult. Concludes you want them to die.
“Eating the flesh of a tortured animal makes you a REAL MAN.”
Asks what you eat? Looks astonished.
What do I eat? Two possible answers: "food" or "everything else".
Comments how remarkably healthy you look despite being vegan.
"So that's why you're so skinny!"
“We needed meat to grow our brains and evolve past the monkeys.”
That may or may not be true. It can also be argued that the United States got where it is thanks to African slaves, but that does not justify continuing such practices.
Claims that eating animals is natural.
Refers to the Bible.
'And God said: Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, and every tree in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed, to you it shall be for meat.'—Gen. i., 29. 'But flesh with life thereof, which is the blood thereof, ye shall not eat.'—Gen. ix., 4. 'It shall be a perpetual statute throughout your generations in all your dwellings, that ye shall eat neither fat nor blood.'—Lev. iii., 17. 'Ye shall eat no manner of blood, whether it be of fowl, or beast.'—Lev. vii., 26. 'Ye shall eat the blood of no manner of flesh: for the life of all flesh is the blood thereof: whosoever eateth it shall be cut off.'—Lev. xvii., 14.[Pg 43] 'The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.... They shall not hurt nor destroy in all my holy mountain.'—Isaiah lxv. 'He that killeth an ox is as he that slayeth a man.'—Isaiah lxvi., 3. 'I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.'—Matt. ix., 7. 'It is good not to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor to do anything whereby thy brother stumbleth.'—Romans xiv., 21. 'Wherefore, if meat maketh my brother to stumble I will eat no flesh for evermore, that I make not my brother stumble.'—1 Cor. viii., 13.
Says veganism is just a phase you'll outgrow.
Eating animal products was a phase I outgrew.
Asks if you eat animal crackers.
Accuses you of secretly eating meat when nobody is looking.
Do you secretly eat human flesh when nobody is looking?
"You can't just fill up on vegetables and fruits. You need something with nutrients in it too."
Since you have such in-depth knowledge about nutrition, list the specific nutrients which plants do not have.
Asks if you're a "strict" vegan, or if you eat meat/milk/eggs once in a while.
Someone who eats meat/milk/eggs but calls themselves vegan is more accurately called a liar.
"Life requires death."
I can guess where you got that from, read this.
Insists on pronouncing it VAY-gun.
As in from Vega?
Insists on pronouncing it VEJ-un.
Wonders why you think animals are more important than people.
Speculates about how many salads you eat each day.
The waiter asks if you are alergic.
What difference does that make? Unless you're planning to slip in something to see if I notice?
Asks what you would do if you unwittingly ate an animal product.
What would you do if you unwittingly ate dog meat?
Points out that you can eat their food, just pick out the meat.
Would you eat that food if you had to pick globs of shit out of it?
Assumes your girlfriend/wife put you up to this. Ignores your answers to the contrary.
"Did you hear that tofu will make your son start menstruating out of his nipples? I read this in a very reliable study funded by the Weston A. Price Foundation."
(I stole this from here)
Expresses shock that you are willing to spend so much extra for vegan food.
Expresses shock that you "force" your child to eat this way, depriving them of vital cholesterol.
Does it also bother you when an orthodox Jew doesn't let their child eat pork or shellfish?
Talks about insects getting killed when growing vegetables. Feigns concern.
Points out that fossil fuels came from animals and are not vegan.
There are two problems here. First is that fossil fuel (coal, oil, natural gas) came from algae, plankton and plants. Secondly, even if fossil fuel did come from dinosaurs, as the myth goes, they were able to live out their natural lives without being enslaved or killed by humans.
Of course, we should not be using fossil fuels in the irresponsible way we are, but that's simply a matter of common sense, not animal rights.
Begins listing all the food you "can't" eat.
I can eat anything I want, but I won't eat animal products, much in the same way you can eat cat or dog but you won't.
Declares that some people are alcoholics, some are drug addicts, and some are vegetarians.
And some people are assholes.
Wonders how you tolerate eating flavorless food all the time.
if a cook cannot make an interesting or flavorful vegan dish, they are incompetent. Any moron can throw a slab of flesh onto a plate and and have a flavorful meal. Many do.
"Vegans have no sex drive."
"What if a cow came up to you and asked you to drink it's milk? What if a dying cow gave you permission to eat it?"
Yay for silly hypotheticals! What if a woman came up to you asked you to drink her breast milk? What if a dying person asked you to eat their flesh?
Points out that the death of a human is a greater tragedy than that of an animal.
Which human? Which animal? A tragedy to whom? The death of a family member is a greater tragedy than that of a total stranger.
Send me your suggestions!

I found this on veganporn, further searching revealed it originated here. Someone did a second version. I've added some new entries taken from various places around the, uh, internets and my own experience. This board is only showing ? out of ? possible entries, refresh the page to see different ones (someday I mad add a refresh button).